Always Just Thoughts
by sg1jackfan
Summary: I watched Always last night SPOILERS - and wondered what was going through their minds at various times. I took the last 20 minutes, and added that insight. I don't own these guys, and I thank ABC for keeping this show on the air!
1. Is it over?

_Just a bit of random thoughts the characters may have had while going through the Always episode. As usual, I don't own anything about Castle, outside of my own imagination._

_Italics are the thoughts in their heads. I am interpreting how this all ended in "Always" – kudos to the writers for creating such dialogue. Kudos to Nathan and Stana who made me cry and sit on the edge of my couch._

"How do you know this?" she asked, concerned. _What is going on here?_

_Oh god, here we go. I'm scared, _he thought. Rick whispered, "In order for the deal to work someone had to make sure you weren't pursuing it."

Her heart stopped, and she stepped back, whispering, unbelieving "Are you part of this?" _No no Castle, not you too!_

"I was just trying to keep you safe", he claimed, feeling his own throat close. He watched her step away from him, pulling away not just physically.

"By lying to me, about the most important thing in my life?" she cried. She couldn't believe it – Rick betrayed her. He started to talk about protecting her, and the hurt spewed forth, cutting him off. "Castle I didn't need protection – I needed a lead. You sat on it for a year!"

She couldn't believe it. The one person who was always there, good times and bad, who made her smile, who had been slowly pulling away. . . it was gut wrenching looking at him just now.

"You met him? How do you know he's not behind this? How do you know he's not involved in my mother's murder?" Kate cried, feeling tears pool in her eyes. She prayed they wouldn't fall. _I will not be weak. _"How the hell could you do this?"

_Oh, I'm losing this. I'm losing her. Can't breathe. _Tears formed in his eyes. "Cause I love you . . But you already know that, don't you? You've known for about a year" he stated, just staring at her. Even as he mentioned this, he hoped she could see how serious he was. No more blame, no more hurt, just love.

Incredulously, she replied, "Are you kidding me, you're actually bringing that up now? After you just told me that you betrayed me?"

"Kate listen to me – "he tried, but she snapped at him.

"Listen to you! Why should I listen to you? How am I even supposed to trust anything that you say?"

_What the? "_How are you" he sputtered, unbelieveably hurt. "Because of everything we've been through together!" he shouted, and took a deep breath. _Now's the time, darn it. Lay it out there, just do it. _"FOUR YEARS! I've been right here. Four years just –" he pressed forward, "waiting for you to open your eyes to see that I'm right here and, " _god Kate, what am I not doing right here? "_I'm more than just a partner."

His heart was in his eyes – she could see that. She felt her own constrict, love overflowing. He continued, emotion in every word, love pouring out. "Every morning I bring you a cup of coffee every day just so I can see a smile on your face because I think you are the most remarkable, maddening challenging, frustrating person I've ever met. . "

She listened intently, amazed at the love he was expressing to her.

Castle was still pouring out his heart to her, "and I love you kate, and if that means anything to you, if you care about me at all, just don't do this." His voice faltered at the end.

She felt her defenses rise. He loves her, but he's not letting her live. She heard her harsh words, and couldn't back down. She watched his eyes change, going from pure love to sadness, but she couldn't stop. She had to be strong. _If I can't hold it now, I'll lose control. I can't do that, not now. _

Castle felt his heart break. Slowly he answered her, after the anger and frustration had been released. "I guess there's just nothing I can say is there? Ok, um. . . yeah, you're right Kate, it's your life. You can throw it away if you want but I'm not going to stick around to watch." Turning around, _give me strength to walk out please! I can't do this. I can't watch her die again._ He took one step, then another, and reached the door. He stopped, and looked back quickly. He felt tears fall, as he memorized her. She wouldn't turn around, and he felt heartbroken as he left. He walked to the stairwell, moving slowly, then faster and faster and burst out of her building. He was never a runner, but he ran this night. Back home, back to his life without Kate Beckett


	2. Breakdown

_Just a bit of random thoughts the characters may have had while going through the Always episode. As usual, I don't own anything about Castle, outside of my own imagination._

_Italics are the thoughts in their heads. I am interpreting how this all ended in "Always" – kudos to the writers for creating such dialogue. Kudos to Nathan and Stana who made me cry and sit on the edge of my couch._

_**Last chapter – Rick headed home, leaving Beckett alone**_

"Alexis down for the night?" Martha spoke softly. Rick was just staring at the TV screen, not focusing.

"hmmm? Um, yes she should be. Nerves before the speech I think" he mumbled, leaning his head back, eyes closed, looking defeated.

"Darling, you need anything before I go up and pack?" she sat down next to him, placing a hand on his arm.

"I'm ok. Just resting. Big day tomorrow" he paused, so she waited for him to continue. "She's going after them, Mother. I let her go, just let her go-"

"What? She's going?"

"No, sorry Mother", he smiled wearily. "She won't let it rest. I can't save her. I just can't watch them get her. Oh my god" Tears he thought he had finally gotten through spilled over again. His hands covered his face as he leaned forward, shoulders shaking, heart breaking.

Martha watched helplessly, rubbing his back. He'd never broken like this before. His other marriages or long-term affairs were usually a bit dramatic _of course he takes after me!_ But this was disturbing. They sat together for a while, as Rick slowly calmed down.

"Oh darling, I'm so sorry" she said simply and leaned her head on his shoulder.

"Love you Mother. Thank you." He kissed her cheek and stood up stretching. "Big day tomorrow, get some rest." A flash of his grin appeared, as he walked to his room. She sighed, and hoped a new day would bring some new strength. _Oh, Kate. . .how he loves you._

After graduation, Rick and Martha hugged Alexis and wandered back to the loft.

"When do you leave Mother? You must have a party waiting for your entrance", he joked, as they stepped inside the kitchen. He opened a bottle of scotch, raised a toast, and smiled at her.

"Well, I thought maybe I should-"

"Now, you go on to the Hamptons. We'll be fine, Alexis and I, and join you in a few days. She's going to celebrate, and I have a date."

"A date", she said shocked, "What-"

"John Woo, Johnie Walker and my good old buddy the couch. Nothing else." He moved to her with a hug. "I'm fine. I will be fine." He winked, and moved to the living room. "Double feature!"

Martha laughed and grabbed her bags, giving him a hug as she left. "Good-bye dear. See you later this week."


	3. Kate breaks

_Just a bit of random thoughts the characters may have had while going through the Always episode. As usual, I don't own anything about Castle, outside of my own imagination._

_Italics are the thoughts in their heads. I am interpreting how this all ended in "Always" – kudos to the writers for creating such dialogue. Kudos to Nathan and Stana who made me cry and sit on the edge of my couch._

Kate hung from the edge, in disbelief. _It can't end like this. Castle, oh my god Castle._

She felt her heart racing, her thoughts scrambling as she searched for a way out. It was so different from other near-death experiences over the last four years. Castle would be here, distracting her with his boyish grin, or commentary on how they were fine, they'd be ok.

"Castle. . .no, not this way" she started to scream for help. No one was coming to save her. She'd never see him again. _I'm so sorry Castle. It is not worth it, I didn't think ahead. Oh god. Javier, oh Lanie, I didn't mean to drag him down with me._

**Beckett!** She strained to hear – was that him? "Castle!" she screamed.

**Beckett! Hang on!**

_My hands, they are slipping, save me Rick! Please! _She realized her hands wouldn't hold. He was going to see her die after all, and she broke inside. _I'm sorry Castle._ She began to fall, Castle on her thoughts.

Strong hands reached and grabbed her _He came back. I'm safe._ As she struggled to get back on the roof, all she could feel was relief. "Castle?" she made eye contact with Ryan. He shook his head, and she could feel his relief that she was ok. He shifted slightly, and she saw Chief Gates. _Ok, I know._

She looked Javier in the eyes as they walked towards Gates's office. "Thanks for having my back in there."

He looked so upset "I blew it Beckett. I didn't have your back."

"Stop it right now. Because you were there, he didn't take me out. We fought, and I survived. I know it would have been different." They walked into the office, ready for Gates's disapproval. She didn't disappoint.

As Chief Gates spoke, Kate felt her thoughts wander. She is a good cop, but this was too much of a focus. She needed a life. As she held her badge in her hand, she thought about her mom, her dad, and her life. A small grin appeared on her face, and she relaxed. Gates watched as Beckett looked up at her, and wondered what was going on in her mind. "I resign", astonishing Gates, who didn't expect this reaction. She smiled at Esposito, and walked out.

Ryan looked at her, with despair on his face. "I'm – "

Kate waved her hand, and smiled. He saw she didn't look devastated, not like Esposito. "Javi, I had to – " he stopped as Esposito walked away without a word.


	4. Breathe, just breathe

_Just a bit of random thoughts the characters may have had while going through the Always episode. As usual, I don't own anything about Castle, outside of my own imagination._

_Italics are the thoughts in their heads. I am interpreting how this all ended in "Always" – kudos to the writers for creating such dialogue. Kudos to Nathan and Stana who made me cry and sit on the edge of my couch._

_**Last chapter – Rick saw Alexis graduate, Martha flit to the Hamptons, and closed the chapter on the case file. . .is it really over?**_

Rick finished his call with Alexis, looking at her tassle – 2012. _Wow I'm the parent of a graduate. Nah, can't be old! _He smiled, and then looked at his computer screen. With a heavy heart he moved to the case file that had consumed so much time. Slowly he dragged his finger to the folder, and moved it to the garbage can. _Breathe, just breathe._ He ignores Kate's call. _Can't go down that road, just can't. Have to break away._

A knock is heard at the door. _Hmmm, what did she forget?_ Opening the door, he felt his face freeze. Kate, looking so shy, so beautiful.

_Be strong – just breathe. _"Beckett what do you want?", he states coldly. _Don't smile at me please._

She looks scared. "You", as she moves in past the doorway, following as he backs up. She reaches out, kisses him, hoping her love is easy to see.

_Can't breathe after the kiss, can't look at her, afraid to hope OMG she's here_

Kate leans into him, in tears, quietly telling him "I'm so sorry Castle. . . I'm sorry Castle". She can feel him there, but he's not reaching for her. He's frozen, just standing there. He's in a state of disbelief, he can't think, can't breathe. She leans forward again, and they kiss, slowly. He pushes her back, holding himself so still. Leaning towards her, even as he pushes her back.

"What happened?" he whispered.

She just smiled a little, and felt the answers come out. "He got away, and I didn't care.' She spoke with love in her eyes. "I almost died and all I could think of was you. I just want you"

She leans forward to kiss him, and he just stares, not moving. He is afraid to blink;_ she's really not here, right? I'm drunk and she's in my mind._ His thoughts shatter as her hand comes up, caresses his face, touches his lips. He moves before he takes another breath, pushing the door closed.

They kiss, both of them caught in the moment, love pouring out between them. He sees her scar, and just reaches out to touch it. _This is where she was lost. I almost lost her for good then, but she's come to me now._

Their next kiss is tender, and they smile at each other as they pull apart. Their hands reach and hold on tight. It will not be easy, but it will be ok. They are together.

"In the mood for John Woo Kate?" he grinned.

"In the mood for you" she whispered as they moved to the couch, and he held her tight.


End file.
